Over a year since this story started. Still muddling through my life. Trying to sort out what needs to stay and what needs to go. Still have the ball and chain of this house and property.

Many good things have come out of this for me so I can be proud. Insecurities are balanced by accomplishments. I frequently hear that I am strong, yet am I? When things happen in life you just have to deal with them. Take it one step at a time. Tough times bring out resourcefulness and fortitude to persevere. With change comes new opportunity.

The holidays came and went. I was very uneasy about going through this time on my own. But I wasn’t alone. I had my children, their loving girlfriends and their families, my sister and brother and their spouses, and my nieces all to support me. The support of my friends is immeasurable. Having support systems makes the difference. I actually had one of the best holiday seasons ever. I spent my time enjoying the people that surrounded me. Not many decorations, yet enough to remind me that it was the holidays. So to my loving family and my circle of friends Thank You! You are all the best!

JANUARY 7TH 2020 JUST ANOTHER DAY!

It’s strange how you feel great for awhile. Your thinking, yeah I can do this. Piece of cake! Why? Because your doing it. Then you let something like the holidays pull you back down.  I know that I can’t  get through my grief unless I face it. I try to keep so busy thinking my grief will go away. But it just does not work out that way. The reality is it’s waiting there for you, until you face it. I tend to let things go, build up and then I either explode, or breakdown. No middle ground.

Sometimes I feel like I am walking into a brick wall over and over again. You think that I would learn from my mistakes, but that doesn’t always happen. I say I have a problem with trust. My problem is I trust everyone because I cannot believe people can be so callous, hurtful and selfish. But they can. So I keep walking into the brick wall. Some day I’ll finally get it!

Things have never been easy for me. I loved my Mom to pieces but her introduction of me to anyone was you know she has to work hard at everything! Not like her sisters, they just seem to have an easier time. So it goes. My undergraduate plan was the 5 year one. Changed my major, did not like what they thought I would. I also did my Masters program for 3 long years, as I worked full time. Dated someone through high school, who seemed to like my friends more than me. That was a long lesson in love, but much shorter than the last 40 years. Think it is time to give up on romance and focus on more grounded things. But I know I will be hitting that brick wall again!

Making the most of the holidays is so difficult. Especially when I think about taking down that Christmas tree the day after he left me. This year I bought a small tree so that I was not triggered down memory lane. That lane  closed and a detour takes me down another path. The ornaments were from my childhood and from my life. Still too early to even sort those out. But Christmas will go on. A bit differently. I am strong and tough but this is trying. I need to learn to bypass that brick wall. I do not believe what my Mom said. I don’t think I had a harder time I just had a different approach. Yet the scars remain, as well as the grief.  I sit with my grief, it will not go away and there is no solution. Sometimes the brick wall is necessary to just knocks some sense into us. Trust, I need to learn that lesson. Right now all I know is that life goes on! Regardless.

When I was a teenager, I remember playing Jim Croce albums at Christmas time. His music always makes me think of Christmas . His words seem pertinent today, and his stories resonate with emotions that I can identify with.

Yeah, I’ve had my share of broken dreams
And more than a couple of falls
And in chasin’ what I thought were moonbeams
I have run into a couple of walls
But in looking back at the places I’ve been
The changes that I’ve left behind
I just look at myself to find
I’ve learned the hard way every time

‘Cause I’ve had my share of broken dreams
And more than a couple of falls
And in chasin’ what I thought were moonbeams
I have run into a couple of walls

But in looking back at the faces I’ve been
I would sure be the first one to say
When I look at myself today
Wouldn’ta done it any other way

Songwriter: JAMES CROCE

I’m standing looking at my reflection in the mirror.   I can say that I am not looking at the person I was a year ago.   I have changed from the inside out.  I am no longer apt to put up with things as I had in the past. I am beginning to find my soul. What I am and who I am,  is exposed to anyone that cares enough to notice.

I stand before myself and say that I am trying to surround myself with those in the past and present who I deem to be genuine. Not only do I need honesty, I demand it from others. I am being honest and forthright in my words, actions and decision making. If I make a mistake I will acknowledge it and live with it. I am what I am. I do not need acceptance from anyone but myself.

I am not that person in the past that had no voice. Too many years of letting another voice speak for me. Their words often misrepresented who I was. I have found the ability to convey my thoughts. I am finding the ability to actualize my hopes and dreams.  All my life music has been important to me. It isn’t the melody but rather the lyrics that touch my soul. I sang out songs that hinted to bits and pieces of  myself.   That is why I find a song for each blog.

I have changed. I will not accept deception.  I have no use for divisive people in my life. I know I have and will struggle with trust. That is because my youth and my adult life has been riddled with lies by the two men I have shared my time with. I jumped from one bad relationship into another at an early age. Will not do that again. I am older and wiser.  A wisdom that comes only with age.

I need affirmations.  Without affirmation there is no relationship.  Time, you make time to build relationships that have any worth.  It’s a busy world, but I make time to do the things I love with the people I love. That was always lacking in my marriage. He did things with me when he had nothing else to do, or was committed to do an activity.  My motto now is no time left for me, then no time is left for you. On my way to better things. This is a restatement from a previous blog. If I ever get involved again it will be with some loving person who puts me first.   So I look in the mirror and I see a reflection.  It’s  not a frail, confused, nor bedraggled  woman. I stand tall and proud of my accomplishments.  I know what I want out of this life and I will find it. No more wasted time.

Hey tomorrow, where are you goin’ Do you have some room for me  ‘Cause night is fallin’ and the dawn is callin’  I’ll have a new day if she’ll have me.   Hey tomorrow , I can’t show you nothin’  You’ve seen it all pass by your door So many times I said I’ve been changin’ Then slipped into patterns of what happened before ‘Cause I’ve been wasted and I’ve over- tasted All the things that life gave to me   And I’ve been trusted, abused and busted And I’ve been taken by those close to me Hey tomorrow, you gotta believe that I’m through wastin’ what’s left of me ‘Cause night is fallin’ and the dawn is callin’   I’ll have a new day if she’ll have me.    By: Guess

Sometimes there is just raw anger. Not for leaving me but his total lack of interest in closing this mess up. Just take vacation number 10 for the year. This time take a month! You need the time because you worked a good 3 hours a day for 5 days a week for the past few months. On the other hand I worked  full time at my job, and punched in and out every day. I have been making up time dealing with life. Dealing with the mess you left for everyone but yourself and your birth family  to clean up. Go have a drink and a toke and take your mind  off the mess. My guess is it never enters your mind. If there is any mind left. Yes this is total anger.  My family owns a business. I work full time and it was his job to handle the business. Well he leaves it to people that I do not know, nor do I trust. He just does not give  a damn about anything except his immediate pleasure.

How do you deal with this person. I do not want to anymore. The promise of the sale of this house  and closing is the only thing that keeps me going.  There is no reason to believe any word that escapes from his mouth. The prospect of being free from this bull energizes me. I never play games and never will.

I am in counseling which helps me to put my life in some kind of balance.  I am finding my inner strength to close this chapter of my life. This chapter is totally for this selfish person I once married. Thank God  we never saw 36years. As my sister in law often says in her southern drawl, “Praise be the Lord”!

This has always been on of my favorite songs. To me it is about having the courage to take chances. The writer wants to move beyond fears to find love and happiness. I have spent a lifetime being afraid to move beyond my comfort zone. I feel like I could not see, what I did not want to see .

Through months of counseling I have realized that I am my worst critic. I try to be kind and compassionate to others, but I do not give myself a break. If somebody is unhappy, if someone has a problem I want to fix it for them. I anticipate and try to make other people happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. It is the evolution of understanding your being. Although at times this is painful, it is necessary. An example may be when I am complimented on something. I just respond with some nonsense to deflect away from myself. That is more my typical response. Instead of just saying thank you and moving on.

I try to look deep for solutions. That is why I would not let go of asking for a reason why my x left. I needed a reason although it didn’t matter. He left. I thought of a million things that I did that made him leave. Wondering what I did wrong and how I could have changed outcomes. Truth be told nothing. I helped him take care of very demanding woman. She was never complimentary to me about anything. She was downright nasty. When she died he left. I resent the family who told me I was just a good mother. I was also a damn good wife. I was an outstanding wife to put up with his ways and their ways for so long. After a while you start believing what your told daily. I have insecurities to be sure and he fed into them. His chauvinistic patterns, his non-stop comments about weight ,with the usual comment if you gain weight you are out of here, my hair, my clothes, what I said fed right into my insecurities. I have met so many happy couples who are just happy. Love is unconditional. You accept people for more than what they look like, and what they wear. Love is more that superficial. It is about who a person is. You look for someone who is kind, compassionate and has integrity. Getting back to weight . When he left I lost about 235# of chauvinistic male.

For too many years I was afraid to try new things, to say what I felt or believed. If I did what if someone did not like me. Now I say big deal. Can’t please everyone.

Years ago I believed I was lucky to be married.. Lucky to have a home and a family. Nothing else mattered. I am awakening. I do not need anyone but myself and those I love to be happy. I have been learning to dream and to dance myself into another life. If love comes my way in this process I will welcome it with open arms. Love comes with no conditions, just respect and honor. Love is to be nurtured and to blossom. Love just is to be.

Outside my kitchen window there is a  hundred and fifty year old maple tree.  It grows stronger and wider every year. All it will take is a mighty wind to blow it down and bring it down. I am very strong some days,  then on other days I become unraveled by a slice of toast.  All it takes is a discussion with myself about where I was ten months ago and where I am now to set me straight.  Sometimes that discussion proves futile. Today is that day.

Today is the culmination of one too many events which absolutely overwhelm me. Its about the impending holidays, the impending layoffs at my job, and the loss of my health insurance that will soon come with my divorce. Finally the sale of this house, with no idea yet of where I will live, looms in my not too distant future as well. I feel like I am becoming a bit psychotic-over thinking each one of these events. I try to harness my energy into solutions but find my self stuck in reverse. All those insecurities of the past ravage the present.

I need support but then I have reports of what the x is up to. I really could care less but on we go into the parade of his weekend. I ask myself why should he be any different in his behavior and please do not tell me. I really don’t care! I REALLY DO NOT CARE!

That being said, now I have to organize my holidays in a new way. That takes a bit of work to redo an activity like a Thanksgiving day dinner when you have done it one way for many years.  It always was a lot of work which I did enjoy. But change is different and there is always time for new traditions. I am in the process of wrapping my head around this, and proceeding with the change.  This year I will not cook. I will help purchase food for the event. I will make a pie to be inclusive in the preparation. But I have no interest , and I am more than happy to sit this one out. I have always worked my tail off to prepare the perfect dinner. Oh well. I don’t have it in me. I will pay and show up.

About the job. Well looking to the future I need health insurance. So I will need job security. While I am looking I will look perhaps in a different direction. I am rebuilding my life and a change would do me good. Easier said than done. Just acquiring the motivation to apply is always the hardest part. Today this begins. No more procrastination! Move forward!

About where to live. I have been given advice about both renting or owning a different house. Someone recently told me to go with my gut, for all decisions are mine to make. So I will look for a small ranch. My needs are minimal at this point as I would rather just spend some cash traveling, and enjoying life. Where I live is dependent not only on my support systems, but also my employment. All need to be considered. So I will go to open houses, and keep my eye open on conveniently located homes.

Sometimes you look up and cannot see the sky because clouds block the horizon. But this is temporary and soon the sun will shine, and the sky will be wide open and full of possibilities. I need to remember this, especially today.

A few years ago my sister bought me a bracelet with the word  “FEARLESS” inscribed on it. I wear it daily. Whenever I doubt myself, or think I cannot handle a situation I look on my wrist and remember what I have been through. This gives me the power to overcome whatever I may be currently faced with.

I don’t usually talk about my experience with cancer.  I must say though it was a difficult time in my life. If the cancer does not kill you, for sure the treatment comes very close.  After my first round of chemotherapy I remember saying that well this wasn’t too bad. Two days later I thought I would die. I remember it was Labor Day and I was getting out of the shower. I could barely walk ,but  made it straight to the bed. Too physically ill to even get dressed. Sure that I was going to die.  But I survived the chemotherapy.  Then the next step was radiation therapy. Seven weeks of 10 minute treatments, five days per week. Doesn’t sound so bad. But the treatment itself was terrifying. They buttoned a mask which covered my face to a machine and left the room. You must lay still for 10 minutes. You have to learn to be strong just to get through the treatment itself. Radiated right in the face.  I took the weeks of my chemo treatments off, and  I thought radiation would be a piece of cake. Not so. I tried to work. It just became too difficult. I laid on the couch with a headache, horrible nausea, and exhaustion. I barely did anything but go to radiation daily, then lie on the couch. I try not to dwell on this.  There was nothing good about this time except for the fact that I did survive. My sister sat with me through 7hours of chemo one day, and 2 five hour sessions that followed per month for 3 months. She watched TV with me, we did puzzles, and played computer games as I sat through treatment. My family watched my hair fall out , my face turn red, and noted my inability to eat. My sister filled my fridge with homemade food that I could heat up easily, and that I could chew and tolerate. She made and brought over a fabulous Christmas dinner for our families. Of course the x drove me to treatments, but had to leave after chemo infusion were started to open for business. Radiation was easier as it occurred and was completed early in the morning. It didn’t interfere with the business.

Three years later I can say that I feel the best I have in years. Not all due to cancer survival but perhaps due to just survival in general. During the course of my treatment I saw so many people who were so much worse off. I am able to carry on with my life with most physical parts still intact. I am grateful to be alive. Grateful for my sister and her family, to my loving boys who visited me nearly daily and to my brother and sister-in law for all their support and encouragement.

“FEARLESS” is to boldly move in the direction of your fears in order to overcome them. In this new life I must remember this. That I have been blessed with the ability to start over. That I have been given the strength and fortitude to carry on even in times when I begin to lose faith. That I know I can overcome obstacles that at times overwhelm me. That I am learning to be FEARLESS with the help of all those I love – who stand by me.

Sometimes the fight is no longer necessary. You sort through the nonsense that was your truth and you wonder why you ever made it your truth. Perhaps it is because it was easier that way. Perhaps the path ahead was too blurry.

Tired of fighting this fight. Why bother. Not that I am resigned to roll over. I just can see through lies, deception, bullying, and emotional triggers that once caused me unrest. I am content with the life ahead. I say this often but I do firmly believe that we only get one chance.  What remains will not be wasted on a fight about nonsense.  That one chance will be spent in a positive fashion. I will seek new opportunities, new endeavors to find that happiness that I so desire. Those who have meant all that is good, kind, thoughtful and genuine I will take with me. Those who have proven to lack integrity, do not know how to be truthful, or show compassion for others will be left behind. I will have no regrets.

Yet I will start my new life with a bit of apprehension. The unknown can be a bit unsettling. But it is definitely worth the many experiences of meeting people who are role models, who capture what is good and kind in the world by giving their best to those in need.

Finally the process of selling this property has been put in motion. Unsure of the timeline, unsure of where I will settle but I have gone through so much more than this. I will find my way. Not knowing where your going lends itself to the indecision of what you need to bring with you. I have a bit too much so I need just to keep what is functionally adequate, things that have meaning, and things I will use. I will keep things I am emotionally connected to.

Where I will live is also in question. I really want to go back to my roots. Not exactly where I grew up, but to a county that I can relate to. A county with values and beliefs closer to my own. I have a bit of time so I will carefully consider this. So much to think about and so many decisions to make. Hopefully I will make the right ones.

In the past 10months I have been through a lifetime of events. I will remain strong. I will fight for my values. Cause nothing will bring me down at this point!

I stay in this house which is no longer a home. I feel like it is my ball and chain. What I do know is that when I speak to the ex husband I do not feel anything. This has been evolving since the split. Reason is my therapy is helping me to understand the one sided relationship I once called a marriage. I accept it, have learned a lot about myself and I feel like I am in a better place.

I know I did a formidable job raising our children. My family was always first. Considering what my boys need emotionally at this point is the top of my list. I will lead them by example. I will lead them by being strong enough to make tough choices. I can’t tell them what to do. I can no longer fix everything. Guidance, or suggestions are my role. Recently I was told that I cannot fix things unless someone wants them fixed. So I will sit tight and hope for the best for those I love ,and be there for them if they need me.

I will not be a casualty of this wrinkle in my life. I am finding ways to discover personal strengths, desires, ambitions . I have placed many things that I loved to do on the backburner.

But sometimes no matter how you try there are roadblocks. Last week I had to put my beautiful collie down, this week it was electronic problems with my car. Everyday is a misadventure or so it seems recently. Always working over to make up work time. Lets turn the page.

I will stay positive. Life is too short to give up on or too short to be miserable. I recently began to take dance lessons-jazz and hip hop. I am awful. Not in my kitchen though. There I am a Rockstar! Some of it is because I can just dance away… to music I know. But this class is an hour and a half or total movement. I feel that I am getting more flexible than I have been in a while. Benefits of exercise are eating healthier, weight loss, and just an overall better lifestyle. Moving on to better things, nicer people, and new things. Throwing down that ace in the hole!

The end of a line, the end of a thought. Organized words, an idea put forth. A message stated or a point of view. Clear delivery given without emotional hue. Expressions of love, passion, or lust. Seamless connections, holding hope, faded trust. A rebuttal or assessment, so eloquently made. Undisputed portrayal, where raw edges are frayed. Time tempered words give new meaning to thought. Free flowing ideas proceed without cost. A descript revelation a movement of mind. Or questions unanswered, discovery defined. The art of a word organized in a verse. A clear demonstration, which one can’t rehearse. No boundaries or format to limit or weigh. A penned word can forge any path to be played. kab

Words have meaning. Words are powerful. Words can impact the way others perceive you, or how you perceive them.

If a sentence is not clear miscommunication can prevent a desired outcome.

If words are spoken harshly or negatively the impact may be grave.

Words can speak truth or lies. Words can be judgemental or forgiving.

Words can secure movement of thoughts, or prevent ideas from becoming reality.

Words can bring hope and possibilities. Words give meaning to life.